Hey Reader,
I went on a group trip last weekend, and I had that familiar craving for solitude after several days of socializing. Trips like this always feel like I'm stepping out of my own world and entering someone else's for a while. It really got me thinking about people's energy fields and how powerful their gravity is... How we can get sucked into someone else's reality and lose track of our own.
It got me thinking... Whose reality are we living in?
Every living creature on this planet operates within its own reality and shared reality. Whether it’s cicadas buzzing in the trees or birds doing their bird things, every life form has its own world, its own perspective. Humans are no different. Each of us is the main character in our own story while also playing roles in other people's stories. It’s fascinating when you think about it.
We all have our own unique way of seeing the world, shaped by our experiences, beliefs, and the stories we tell ourselves. The more time you spend around certain people, especially dominant or loud personalities, the easier it is to get pulled into their world. And when you’re in their orbit for too long, you start to forget where their reality ends and yours begins.
Ever had that happen? You’re around someone with strong opinions or heavy energy, and before you know it, you’re questioning your own thoughts or beliefs. It’s subtle, but you start holding opinions that aren’t really yours. You begin comparing your life to their standards, and suddenly you’re thinking, "Why don’t I have that kind of job, that relationship, that house, or that life?" But then you realize... those aren’t even things you want. It's what they want. What they value.
Living in Someone Else’s Orbit
I’ve definitely been there. One trip that stands out is when I went hiking at Mt. Zion with a new girlfriend and her friends—people I barely knew. I wasn’t making any plans, just tagging along, excited to hike in the mountains. I remember feeling like an outsider the whole time, not really speaking up for what I wanted or asserting my point of view within the group. In fact, I was the sober support person while they smoked weed and tripped on acid. I wasn’t living in my own reality. I was a curious explorer looking to expand my horizons but got a bit too far from my core. By the end of it, I was exhausted and needed a long break.
Another time, I took a two-week road trip through central Australia with a couple of women I met online. They were locals, and I thought it’d be a chill ride where I could sit back and enjoy getting to know each other. But it turned into a passive, uncomfortable experience. Our conversations ran dry a few days into the trip and there wasn't much else left to talk about. It was near impossible to get space from each other. The louder and more domineering personalities led the way and the dreadful summer heat of the Australian outback did us all in.
It’s crazy how easy it is to let yourself fade into the background of someone else’s world.
Family Dynamics: Multiple Realities, One Room
Even with family, this happens. I recently spent time with my Gen Alpha niece and nephew. Physically, they were there, but mentally? Buried in their phones the whole time. I’d occasionally glance at their screens—my niece flicking through TikToks of different beauty influencers, and my nephew churning through YouTube shorts on science and history while chatting with his buddies on Discord. I asked if anyone watched the Olympics, and my parents jumped in with ignorant soundbites straight from Fox News, talking like they had the absolute truth. I didn’t even respond because I knew how the conversation would end. Pointless. Their world made sense to them—but was it my truth? Not really.
The Danger of Losing Yourself
I don’t really consider myself "conflict avoidant," but I pick my battles. I’m not going to debate my point of view with someone who isn’t genuinely curious. In group settings, I read the room. I prefer to observe, reflect, and stay open. I speak up when I feel it's prudent. If I get good, welcoming vibes, then great! Let’s go.
And because of that, I can get stuck in a passive role. Sometimes I notice I’m taking on the projections of others, acting in ways I normally wouldn’t, just to fit what they need me to be as a supporting actor in their drama.
Have you ever been the "good" person, always there for others, only to face backlash when you set a boundary? Suddenly, you’re labeled selfish or mean just for saying no. It’s as if you’ve stepped out of the role they assigned you, and they can’t handle it.
This response often reflects deeper, unhealthy dynamics and unresolved issues. It’s not about truth but about old wounds and codependency. When we prioritize others' needs at the expense of our own, we lose our center and authenticity.
For example, when Cara and I first started dating, she noticed that she sometimes adopted my beliefs, even when they didn’t align with her own. I’d express my views with certainty, and she’d get defensive, feeling pressured to accept my perspective as truth. Over time, I realized the importance of respecting her space and beliefs, even if they differ from mine. I’ve learned to question my own convictions and remain open to the reality of others, rather than imposing my beliefs.
We can share space and blend realities for a while, but it’s vital to allow each other the freedom to move in and out of these shared energies. Controlling someone’s reality or not letting them explore their own truth isn’t healthy. Just because someone else’s reality is valid for them doesn’t mean it has to be yours.
Reclaiming Your Reality
So, whose reality are you living in right now? Is it truly yours, or have you been drifting in someone else’s story without even realizing it? It’s not an easy question, but one worth sitting with. Lately, I’ve been reflecting on what my life would look like if I invited people into my reality more often, instead of always stepping into theirs. But then the deeper question comes up: What is my reality? And what would I actually like it to be?
So, how do you reclaim your reality? The first step is to find real solitude. Not just physical alone time, but a deeper disconnect from the constant noise—TV, social media, podcasts, all the external voices that drown out your own. Sit with yourself, in silence, and listen. What do you truly value? What’s your truth beneath all the conditioning and expectations?
When you strip away the noise, you might be surprised by what surfaces. Your reality, your energy, your truth—it’s all there, waiting for you to tune back in.
That’s it for this week.
Have a great weekend ✌️
Jeff
The Official Newsletter of Jeff Finley
Designer, Author, Mystic
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