Jeff Finley

Finley Fridays #8 - Words Are Very Unnecessary (When Dealing with Anxiety)

Published 3 months ago • 4 min read

Hey Reader,

The biggest thing that happened this week is something I really don't want to talk about.

I decided to get new tires on my car and the cost was more than I anticipated. It triggered all my money anxieties and the doom and gloom that comes with it, and to be frank, I'm kinda tired about talking about my money anxieties.

I'm working through this stuff in a good way. Shifting into a new way of thinking, feeling, and being.

It feels so hard to communicate this though.

How do I write about this without getting too in the weeds with the details?

It's like when a problem is bothering you and someone notices and asks what's up. You don't want to talk about it because it's going to be a lot to explain.

They invite you to open up and when you start verbalizing it, they now have something to argue with or analyze. They grab onto a few of the words and start offering advice or suggestions.

"Have you thought about this? Have you thought about that?"

Yes of course I've thought about that. That's what our mind does. It thinks about everything.

You go into more detail. And now you're debating details. Now their issues are getting triggered. They're getting defensive. So are you.

The more you talk about it, the more frustrated you both get.

This is the problem with words and communication.

Things get lost in translation.

It's a degraded medium that can only do so much to express our inner experience. You're limited by your own vocabulary and ability to articulate. Even if you were to perfectly explain yourself, it doesn't always get taken the way you expect. It has to go through their own mental filters and worldviews.

But look, it's hard being the listener too.

I think there's a lot of pressure on us to be the perfect listener. A good friend. The best partner. To give that one piece of advice that's going to change the other person's life or get them on "the right track" whatever that is.

That's a tall order.

You can be doing your best to listen, be kind, loving, and offer helpful advice. But whoops, you accidentally offended them and now they feel more misunderstood. Shit. Maybe you got distracted by something and they felt your attention drop and feel hurt. Ugh.

Now this is triggering your anxieties about not being a good enough partner. You bring this into the conversation and before you know it, you're both on the verge of a fight or meltdown.

Usually there's not a breakthrough in the conversation until we get out of the metal headspace and into our heartspace. Often after we've exhausted our mental faculties and have nothing left to say we can surrender and put down our swords and return to love again.

There's always subtext behind the words. A predominant feeling, emotion, or state of being. Our words are our logical minds way of articulating these feelings - a description or story about them. Usually received by another logical mind with the ability to understand and translate into understanding. But we're not just logical mind machines.

A real person can read between the lines and sense your feelings, body language, and general vibe.

With most "problems" we have, we can say a lot of words about it, but underneath, we're feeling some form of anxiety. Underneath that, something deeper like existential fear, loneliness, or grief.

Sometimes words are a great way to express those feelings. Sometimes that's all it's meant to be. An expression of a feeling. When that feeling is validated and seen, empathized with, it often has a much more effective way at resolving the so-called problem than debating or analyzing solutions.

The hilarious skit It's Not About the Nail comes to mind.

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Writing in detail about the exact money anxieties I was experiencing this week seem counter to where I'm headed. Toward being more relaxed, calm, content, and less serious.

Underneath all my stories is fear. Fear of falling. Fear of poverty.

But exactly is it about poverty that's bad? It wasn't really the lack of money, but it was the emotional neglect, violence, abuse, drugs, alcoholism, and lack of support. It was living in fear.

I don't have any of those destructive things in my life right now. In fact, I have the opposite. I have an abundance of love, support, and healthy relationships. I have so much. Way more than I really need.

I was reading Tim Grime's book "The Law of Attraction Simplified" and his chapter on Food, Shelter, and Clothing really spoke to me. He put into perspective what we actually need vs what we think we need to live a good life.

It helped me realize most of the stuff I think I want are just cosmetic improvements to what's already sufficient. That nothing is really a big deal. And the most important thing I can do is just relax.

Unicole Unicron touches on this in her article Where Does Money Come From, "True abundance is simply having a relaxed nervous system." This is the wavelength I'm on. Relax more. Try less.

Finally, I'll leave you with this song "Enjoy the Silence" by Depeche Mode. Cara shared it with me this morning after talking about the subject of this newsletter. "Words are very unnecessary. They can only do harm" - very timely I'd say!

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That is all for now. Have a good week!



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Jeff Finley

Personal Growth for Creators

I'm an artist, designer, music producer, author, and mystic with a passion for truth and personal growth. I like to share what I'm working on and working through each week, highlighting my creative pursuits and providing tips, tools, and resources for fellow creators.

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